<iframe width="560" height="315" src="This piece was playing on Classical KDFC as I came back to my computer to write this piece. Helen Jane Long, the composer, also happens to be one of my long time favorites, and a source of inspiration. The music is lighter than the content, but I chose it for its gentle stirring quality. It helped me stay present while writing something hard—and I hope it holds you kindly too.
Content Note:
This piece includes references to suicide, emotional numbness, and witnessing public tragedy. Please read with care and take space if needed.
Yesterday
I woke up to sirens
Lots of them outside my window
A Citizen app notification said there was a person hanging from a tree, 900 feet away from my apartment.
I took my dog out for a walk like I always do in the morning and didn’t go that way. I went to the trail, in the opposite direction.
Turns out that’s where all the police cars, the ambulance, and the county coroner’s van were.
There were about 15 police officers standing around and none of them seemed to care that my dog and I were nearby.
We went to the trail and stayed in the clearing area. Two officers hiked further along. They didn’t look shaken or solemn. They looked almost casual.
Cupid (my dog) and I didn’t stay very long. When we were leaving the trailhead, I asked an officer what happened and he frowned a big frown. His mustached lips made a wide upside down u shape. He said, Do you really wanna know?
I said, Well I saw on the Citizen app.
He asked me what it said, and I said a person was found hanging from a tree.
Yes, he replied.
I said that’s terrible. Where?
He said, You know the swings?
Oh, yes. I said.
There.
That’s terrible I repeated.
Was it a suicide? Or something else? I asked.
He said it was a suicide.
I have been seeing on the Internet, a little bit of discourse about an increase in lynching, which is why I asked. I’d seen reports circulating recently about suspicious deaths in public spaces—Black bodies found hanging, too often dismissed as suicide without full investigation.
That was my first thought when I saw the notification.
It seems strange that that would happen around here. Horrifying.
I don’t know who it was, and I don’t know if there will be anything publicly made known.
I didn’t feel much about it right away. I didn’t get that sick and gut punched feeling.
I didn’t feel a heaviness. I just felt myself distancing myself from it or even myself. That’s how I know I need some kind of witness, or check in.
I don’t know who the person was. According to the officer, they wanted to die.
If that was the case, it was a big f*&% you to everyone else in the world.
That’s what I thought anyway, but I know that is not a universal truth. I was just trying to imagine what it would take to end one’s life in a public space.
In writing that, a sad sensation came over me. The darkness people feel is real, and deserves to be handled with care.
I slept on before posting this, because I felt wobbly in this terrain. I brought it up in my artist solidarity meeting this afternoon. It’s a place of intentional care and community building.
Here’s how we were prompted today. I share it because it is worth emulating if you have a group you meet with.
Let’s take time to share what’s present for us right now — on our minds, our neighborhoods, our communities, our studios. what are we holding? what are we navigating? what do we need? this is a space for care — broad strokes welcome. feel free to share as much or as little as you like. and let us know if you’re looking to be heard, helped or hugged…
I shared how I noticed I didn’t feel anything in the moment, but maybe I was in shock. One of the other artists validated that for me and asked if I felt better after sharing it. It did. I didn’t feel the feelings until I let myself say them out loud.
It made me cry, which was good, and helped me to feel less alone carrying this, and less alone with my questions about if it’s okay to talk about at all.
I wasn’t sure if it was okay to bring it up, but saying it out loud made space for truth. It reminded me how important it is to name these questions—not to fix or solve, but to hold them with care and not alone.
They shared how it is important to ask people if they are having feelings of wanting to self-harm or end their life, and to point them to resources and support, as well as hold space for them.
So, dear friend, I am asking you, because depression is often something very well hidden from others: Have you been wanting to self harm lately? Or have you been thinking of ending your own life? If so I want to encourage you to please reach out for support.
📞 988 is the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
💛 Let’s hold each other gently and stay aware of our surroundings.
💬 If anyone has more confirmed information or resources for healing spaces or community gatherings, please share.
With care,
Kadie